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Sir Cantaloupe and the Wuzzle

from Coming To A Theatre Near You by Zanda Myrande

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A story of knight errantry and derring do. The original featured Orville Torres in the role of Sir Cantaloupe.

lyrics

SIR CANTALOUPE AND THE WUZZLE
(Suncat)

The Queen called for Sir Cantaloupe, the bravest of the brave,
"Sir Knight," she said, "'t is only you can fetch us what we crave.
We dearly wish a Wuzzle from the forests to the north,
And so, Sir Knight, we charge you to ride forth."

Sir Cantaloupe was bound to heed his sovereign's lightest word.
She told him to ride forth, but he was keen, so he rode third.
He galloped through the castle gate at the dawning of the day
And went to find a Wuzzle, come what may.

"This Wuzzle is a puzzle I can't read.
I must have help to solve it with all speed.
I shall ride without delay
To the Witch of Westernhay
Perhaps she'll have the knowledge that I need."

On rode Sir Cantaloupe as day turned into night.
He reached the witch's cottage by the full moon's eerie light.
She gave him tea and crumpets and a glass of buttered rum
And then she asked him point blank why he'd come.

Sir Cantaloupe he laid the facts before her fair and square.
"The Queen desires a Wuzzle and to fail I do not dare.
I'm brave and strong and clever, but there's one snag I can see:
I've no clue what a Wuzzle's supposed to be!

Does a Wuzzle need a muzzle? Will it bite?
When I find it will it put up any fight?
Is it beast or fish or bird,
Could I tame it with a word?
Help me out here and I swear I'll see you right."

The witch she proved a fund of information on this theme:
"You can lure it with a ladleful of jasmine-scented steam.
But never seek your Wuzzle when it's coming on to rain
Or the water will just wash it down the drain!"

Sir Cantaloupe took careful notes as she talked on and on,
He left a purse of gold and in the morning he was gone.
He rode into the north woods to seek Wuzzles with a will,
And for all I know he's up there seeking still...

The King inquired "Where is that frightful bore?
Has someone been so kind as to start a war?
His discourses made me yawn
I'm relieved to find he's gorn
But I'd like to know just what he's gorn out for."

"Oh, do you mean Sir Cantaloupe?" the Queen said, looking coy.
"I've sent him on a quest that I'm quite certain he'll enjoy.
It's doomed to utter failure, but that's just the kind of test
That your true authentic hero loves the best.

He'll meet with many dangers and he'll do some mighty deeds,
Exactly the employment that a real knight errant needs.
He really wasn't happy moping round here night and day,
Naught to do but drink and guzzle--
Not a chance to use his muscle--
Now he's gone to hunt a Wuzzle
Far away;
Don't thank me dear, thank the Witch of Westernhay!"

credits

from Coming To A Theatre Near You, released November 27, 2017

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Zanda Myrande image

Zanda Myrande Westbury, UK

Zanda Myrande is still recovering from the trauma of being Zander Nyrond for several decades. She has only come out online at this point, for reasons which may be apparent from the picture above, but she proudly embraces her trans identity while still giving house room to Zander and the rest of the deadbeats who populate her head.

Lives in Wiltshire and has better friends than she deserves. ... more

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