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Take This Place

from On The Battlements by Zanda Myrande

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And when Kaichang strips away the veneer of comforting humour and whimsy, it's Tollain's job to put it back again. Military people we have met do genuinely do this, by the way, though they don't often meet with this response when they do.

lyrics

TAKE THIS PLACE

The lady of the castle keep
Entertaining generals three
Drew nigh to listen to their talk
From a point they could not see
The war was over and peace declared
And caught in a storm as they homeward fared
They had stopped at the keep for food and sleep
And hospitality...

A: With a hundred doughty archers from the western border marches I could take this place
B: With a single light division used with surgical precision I could take this place
C: When we fought against the Zauni I'd a regiment of sappers
They were physically scrawny but went at it like the clappers
And I'd have them dance a ceilidh on the ruins of the bailey when I take this place.

The lady of the castle keep
Could not believe her ears
Her home had held back the tide of war
For several hundred years
She hoped these fools with their drunken boasts
Might invoke the ire of the castle ghosts
As they planned and schemed and the lady dreamed
Of ending their careers...

B: With a big enough ballista and my little baby sister I could take this place
C: With a spy among the scullions I'd poison the slumgullion and take this place
A: At Ghusami Captain Rawlins had a fleet of covered wagons
And he whipped off the tarpaulins and unleashed a horde of dragons
With that kind of firepower I could burn down every tower and I'd take this place.

The lady of the castle keep
Was decidedly displeased
It was not good form for them to plot
How her castle might be seized
Yet she stood stock still and without a sound
And as the talk and the wine went round
She remained on the spot and her wrath waxed hot
And would not be appeased...

C: Give me half a troop of yeomen and a favourable omen and I'd take this place
A: Give me seven highland pipers and a crate of hungry vipers and I'd take this place
B: In Comarrakai the natives fought all dressed in paint and feathers
And my men all ran like caitiffs when they stabbed them in the nethers
It might not be very sporting but they'd take a lot of thwarting and I'd take this place.

The lady of the castle keep
Had heard more than enough
She crept up to these warriors bold
And seized them by the scruff
Dragging one in the left hand and two in the right
She threw them out in the stormy night
And they cringed and fled as she loudly said
In accents grim and gruff:

"I am really quite irate to find you reprobates debating how to take this place
And I think it's simply hateful that you could be so ungrateful as to take this place
I will write to your commander who, it chances, is my brother,
When he hears about your candour you'll be crying for your mother
And should you think to try it you should know I'll not sit quiet while you take this place.
You will find I have battalions who look on me as royal
And though some may be rapscallions they're really very loyal
And they'll pound you into rubble if you ever give me trouble trying to take this place!"

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from On The Battlements, released March 15, 2019

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Zanda Myrande Westbury, UK

Zanda Myrande is still recovering from the trauma of being Zander Nyrond for several decades. She has only come out online at this point, for reasons which may be apparent from the picture above, but she proudly embraces her trans identity while still giving house room to Zander and the rest of the deadbeats who populate her head.

Lives in Wiltshire and has better friends than she deserves. ... more

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